The art of letting go.
Why is it that I find it so much easier to let go of the ledge and fall into the void they call love, and so goddamned difficult to let go of that swirling ghost ride when it is over?
It’s a good question. One I do not have the answer to.
I had thoughts today. Dark, dangerous, impulsive thoughts. Thoughts that, while they swirled through my mind in an angry I buzz, revealed to me the fact that I have still not let go. I have not disengaged where I really need to most. Where it matters most.
And I need to.
In boating, there is always one last rope that you must cast off before you are free of the dock. My rope is still tethered to the dock, my boat bobbing in the water, waiting to ride the currents. If only I could cast off that line, I could be free to begin the journey I am meant to travel.
It creates a sense of frustration, a feeling of impotent rage. The struggling within myself to accept what is not going to change, to accept the things that have changed, and to accept that the twists and turns of fate have brought me here, to this point of being that feels so unfamiliar to me. My life itself feels unfamiliar to me. Like I have put brand new shoes on the wrong feet and I am running in a marathon, trying to figure out why I am struggling and everyone else is breezing past me. The answer is so clear. Let go. Let go of the anger. Let go of the pain. Let go of the people who didn’t value me enough to stay present in my life. Let go of the transients that were just passing through. Just let fucking go.
Let go of the emotions that are stuffed down so deep inside my immune system is fighting against itself. Let go of the hurt and the doubt. Let go of the blackness that is swirling around me, sucking me into a vortex of darkness. Let go of the guilt. Let go of the blame. Let go of the versions of myself that are not true to who I am. Stop trying to be the fantasy and just be me. Let go of the past so I can see the woman staring back at me in the mirror clearly. Maybe for the first time in my life.
I need to swap those running shoes, grab that bitch of a rope and cast off. Let this journey begin before my time runs out.