Monthly Archives: December 2014

Five Men

I was at the market tonight, standing in the alcohol aisle clutching my little basket of chicken breast and whole wheat bread.  I was staring at a bottle of Macallan 12 year.  I wondered…if I bought it and showed up one night on your doorstep with that bottle, an aged olive branch in my hand…would you invite me in? Would you pour us a drink? Would we sit together awkward at first, then rediscovering that easy rhythm we once shared? Would you be glad to see me? Would we talk into the wee hours, sipping our drinks and hoping the night lasted long enough for a conversation that never truly had an end?

***

I checked my email seven times today.  Hoping to hear from you and being disappointed seven times.  This was not how I pictured this going.  This feels like a recurring nightmare –  it hurts like a pain in my past.   Are you going to be the next in line to try to bring me to my knees? Are you going to say that I brought you to yours?  If I showed up in Ontario, my heart wide open for you to see, would you tell me I was too late? Would you shake your head and tell me to turn around and go home? Would you take me in your arms and kiss me like you’ve always said you would? Was this all just a terrible illusion or was the love we believed in for the last 18 months real?

***

I reached out to you today about a trivial thing, a mere matter of logistics.  You struck like a viper, injecting your poison straight from your soul and into my heart.  How can it be possible that I knew you intimately for 17 years and never saw what a petty, vindictive little child you can be?  I reacted in anger, my buttons perfectly pushed.  And yet now, in the chill of the night, I see your pain.  I feel the pain you still carry – fresh as it was the day I flayed your heart open by saying yes to your question. But you don’t get to punish me for that any longer.  You don’t get to bully me or control me ever again.  You say I wasted ten grand and gained nothing more than what you were offering two years ago.  But the truth is, I spent what I needed to buy my freedom.  I did what was best for me and my children.  I stood up to you and refused to let you bully me.  I learned to fight and built up the stamina I need to go as many rounds as it takes to keep you in your corner.  This is my life now so…would you please fuck off?

***

You thought my Christmas present was over the top.  And to some people’s perspectives, I agree it looks that way.  But your gift was as much a present to me as it was to you.  Yes, I gave you the Mancala set.  With 48 stones, lovingly and thoughtfully, purposefully and intentionally picked for you.  Yes, I spent about 10 hours total time compiling a 20 page list detailing each stone and its physical and metaphysical properties.  But that part of the gift was for my benefit, not yours.  It brought me in touch with my hopes and dreams, and made me acknowledge my unnamed fears.  It gave shape, color, texture, and a name for the feeling I have for you.  It helped me reignite my love of the Earth and brought me back to my Mother’s bosom.  That was for MY benefit, Slappy.  While yes, the gesture was absolutely one of the most tender love, it was directed at both of us – not just you.  So don’t get too blown over backwards by it.  It was just a Mancala set. 😉

***

You are the faceless, nameless man of my future. Would you please approach me with a degree of intelligence, a hint of compassion, more than a little patience?  Would you be forgiving when I am socially awkward? Would you be honest with me, give me real human interaction, and drop this Game-Face Bullshit game everyone seems to play? Would you please fuck me hard enough to make me cum from my head to my toes? I hope you and I mesh well.  I hope we treat each other like a gift.  I hope we behave like a couple of conspiratorial partners in crime. Would you be the greatest adventure of my life and please, may I be yours?  I hope so.  I hope we never stop having fun together – even if there are rough times in between.  I don’t know it right now, but some day I will look at this and see your face, maybe even reach across the couch and take your hand.  I will read these words and know I was talking about you.  I just want to say: I love you.

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Filed under Tender

I stand alone

Author’s Note:  This is one of the rare times when the words you read here are are not fiction.  There is nothing sexy or erotic about what I am going to reveal here.  Consider it a glimpse behind the veil.

Today, for the first time since I was 22, I stand alone.

As of 9:50 a.m. today, I am officially a divorced woman.

I came home tonight to an empty apartment – a homecoming that I managed to put off several hours with mindless retail therapy in the name of Jolly Old Saint Nicholas.

Today, I did not turn to Kik, to text messages, to the countless digital distractions that have filled my days since I moved out of my home.  Today I spent the day holding it all in – the pain, the sorrow, the loss, the regret, the animosity, the anger.  At one point during the day, a well-meaning coworker asked me if I was alright? His question nearly broke my tenuous composure.

No.

I am NOT okay.

None of this is okay.

It isn’t just the divorce.  Yes, it is true I held my breath in a courtroom today, avoiding eye contact with a judicial assistant as I silently prayed the Judge saw the desperation in my ex’s last-ditch attempt to reduce child support.  I silently prayed that I would find the well-spring of calm within that would help me get through this terrible day.  I prayed for strength, hoping that the strength so many people claim to see in me would not fail me in my moment of need.

But today was a final reckoning in many ways.

There has been a couple of years of seismic change in my life.  I have made countless choices that have had expected, and unexpected, consequences.  I have leaned on people, digital strangers who became friends, lovers, and ghosts.  I have fled my sorrow hiding from my feelings in the arms of men – seeking distraction from my pain in frivolity.

I have lost. Husbands, families, circles of love that I thought would always be there embracing me.  I have shattered more than just my own dreams for the future.  I have taken away dreams from those who are too young to know what they have lost.

I have lost friends whose wisdom and humor, whose perspective and support kept me going when I felt I could not fight any longer.  I have lost the dream of someone – the dream of a future I dared to long for, but was not courageous enough to fight for.  Love I once held in my heart for others.

I have lost love.  Love from people who once called me family. Love from people who yearned to call me their Lover.  Love from those who said their love for me would never end.

There are regrets.  I can see clearly the pain my journey has caused others.  As this Phoenix has burned, so has she burned those who stood too close to her.

I can only pray that now the burning is over.  With each dawn that brightens my bedroom, I hope beyond all other that the burning time is over and today is the day I will rise from the ashes.

Today, for the first time since I was 22, I stand alone.

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Filed under Erotica

One Hell of a View

The shower was impressive.  Sleek, marble tile, floor to ceiling glass enclosure, multiple body jets.  It overlooked an amazing view of the river; all the way to the mountains in the distance.  A shower with a view.  It was like something out of a design magazine Sarah had gasped when she first saw it.

Wayne had laughed at that, maybe even laughed a little at her naivete before he turned on the jets and invited her to join him under the hot spray.  Sarah wasted no time and soon she was enclosed in the glorious shower, her body pressed close to his as his hunger rose anew.

Wayne kissed her deeply, hands tracing the fullness of her breast before he grasped her nipples and pinched hard eliciting a moan that made him grin.  He ran his hands down her ass, grasping a handful of her cheeks and lifting her up to him.  She eagerly returned his kiss but was surprised when he suddenly spun her away from him.  She made a questioning sound and he laughed.  She felt him propel her gently towards one of the body jets, his arm wrapped around her waist supporting her.

Sarah was confused until she felt his foot push her legs wide apart, allowing the water jets to blast against her open pussy and thighs.  She could not control the sound of surprised pleasure as the pulsating water made contact with her delicate skin.  She could feel her legs tremble and was glad he had an arm around her waist.  She looked up over her shoulder at him and he seized the opportunity to kiss her again, his passionate mouth adding to the dizzying pleasure she was feeling.

Wayne clapped a hand to her pussy, temporarily interrupting the flow of the water, and then clapped again, spanking her pussy lightly with his large palm.  She gasped, her hips pivoting against him, meeting his lights slaps.  His fingers spread her lips even wider, and he held her open to the water spray. His other hand grasped her breast, teasing her nipple until Sarah thought she would collapse.

She came hard, beneath his probing fingers and the merciless pounding of the hot water.  Shivering from head to toe she had no time to recover before he pushed her against the far wall – the glass wall facing out to the view.

His lean body, reasonably fit for a man in his early 60s, was tensed with controlled strength.  His cock was rock hard when he brushed against her.  The same tight sinew she had experienced the night before.  She couldn’t tell if his arousal was due to the taboo thrill of the fact she was 20 plus years his junior, or that she had spent the night with him – enacting a series of sins his marital bed had never before been party to.  She didn’t really care.  His hard cock pressed against her ass as she ground against him and she felt his firm grip as he pinned her hands to the glass before her.

He pushed her face to the glass, her nipples reacting instantly to the colder temperature as her eyes drank in the amazing view.  He dropped to his knees in the shower, his mouth seeking her slick pussy.  He pushed her legs further apart and she moaned as his tongue split her tender lips and teased her clit.  His hands spread her ass as he swept his tongue across her, licking her from ass to clit and back.  Sarah rose on her tiptoes, bending her knees slightly to open her body to his eager mouth.  She couldn’t stop herself and ground against his face as the pleasure overcame her.

Wayne delved two fingers into her pussy while his tongue worked her ass.  Sarah’s moans grew louder and she felt her body convulsing again as another orgasm swept over her.  She could feel the fluid leaking from her shaking body and flashed back to a moment the night before:  His face buried between her thighs, Sarah riding his face until her cum ran down his cheeks and chin.

Wayne rose to his feet and whipped her around again, kissing her fiercely.  Sarah tasted her own juices in his kiss and when he effortlessly lifted her and pressed her back to the shower tile, she wrapped her legs eagerly around him, impaling her hungry body on his cock.

He groaned and went deep, driving his hips forward into her hot body, grabbing her wrists and pinning them high above her head.  The position lifted her breasts and his mouth found them even as his body pulled back and drove forward again.

Their gutteral moans mingled amid the steam and water.  Thrusting hard, grunting like animals, he pounded her fiercely; driving his cock deep as though his salvation lie within her tight slit. Sarah cried out as her body was wracked with spasms and his thrusts slowed down slightly, growing longer.  He gave her every inch of his shaft, slowing down and teasing her relentlessly while her body recovered.

He smiled at the red flush in her cheeks and when she opened her eyes to look up at him told her, “You’re not done Little Miss.  You’re going to cum for me again.”

Sarah shook her head in disbelief as her mouth dropped open at the feel of his cock’s length sliding in and out of her.  He leaned down and sucked hard on her nipple, leaving one behind to nip and suck at the other.  She moaned again.  He released her, returning her feet to the floor.  He stuck a finger in her mouth, letting her suck eagerly at the digit before pulling it away, turning her away from him and pressing it to her ass.  She groaned low in her throat as he filled her ass with his finger and began to fuck her anew.

He now had her bent forward at the hips, he could see her fingers trying to find a hold on the slick glass.  His ears were filled with her cries and the wet slap of their skin as his hips thrust hard against hers.  He pushed his finger deep into her ass and fucked hard, knowing his orgasm was not far.  He held on, determined she would cum once more before he found his own release.  He tilted her hips slightly, rhythmically fucking her ass with his finger while his cock filled her.  Sarah’s cries came moments before he felt the hot gush of fluid in her pussy.  Wayne gritted his teeth and thrust harder, almost violently until with a final cry he filled her sweet body with his cum.

Sarah enjoyed the feeling of his body twitching inside her and made no effort to move.  As her breathing slowed and his cock softened inside her, she noticed a beautiful sailboat out on the river.  She watched a moment while the boat tacked from one side to another and began to sail away from her.

“Damn, Wayne,” she signed as she took in the scenery before her, “This shower really does have one hell of a view.”

Wayne shrugged, unable to tear his eyes away from the sight of his companion’s smooth ass bent forward in supplication before him.  “It does indeed,” he agreed with a grin.

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Filed under anal sex, designer shower, lust, oral sex, river view, sailboats, scenery, sex, shower sex, shower view, view