I stand alone

Author’s Note:  This is one of the rare times when the words you read here are are not fiction.  There is nothing sexy or erotic about what I am going to reveal here.  Consider it a glimpse behind the veil.

Today, for the first time since I was 22, I stand alone.

As of 9:50 a.m. today, I am officially a divorced woman.

I came home tonight to an empty apartment – a homecoming that I managed to put off several hours with mindless retail therapy in the name of Jolly Old Saint Nicholas.

Today, I did not turn to Kik, to text messages, to the countless digital distractions that have filled my days since I moved out of my home.  Today I spent the day holding it all in – the pain, the sorrow, the loss, the regret, the animosity, the anger.  At one point during the day, a well-meaning coworker asked me if I was alright? His question nearly broke my tenuous composure.

No.

I am NOT okay.

None of this is okay.

It isn’t just the divorce.  Yes, it is true I held my breath in a courtroom today, avoiding eye contact with a judicial assistant as I silently prayed the Judge saw the desperation in my ex’s last-ditch attempt to reduce child support.  I silently prayed that I would find the well-spring of calm within that would help me get through this terrible day.  I prayed for strength, hoping that the strength so many people claim to see in me would not fail me in my moment of need.

But today was a final reckoning in many ways.

There has been a couple of years of seismic change in my life.  I have made countless choices that have had expected, and unexpected, consequences.  I have leaned on people, digital strangers who became friends, lovers, and ghosts.  I have fled my sorrow hiding from my feelings in the arms of men – seeking distraction from my pain in frivolity.

I have lost. Husbands, families, circles of love that I thought would always be there embracing me.  I have shattered more than just my own dreams for the future.  I have taken away dreams from those who are too young to know what they have lost.

I have lost friends whose wisdom and humor, whose perspective and support kept me going when I felt I could not fight any longer.  I have lost the dream of someone – the dream of a future I dared to long for, but was not courageous enough to fight for.  Love I once held in my heart for others.

I have lost love.  Love from people who once called me family. Love from people who yearned to call me their Lover.  Love from those who said their love for me would never end.

There are regrets.  I can see clearly the pain my journey has caused others.  As this Phoenix has burned, so has she burned those who stood too close to her.

I can only pray that now the burning is over.  With each dawn that brightens my bedroom, I hope beyond all other that the burning time is over and today is the day I will rise from the ashes.

Today, for the first time since I was 22, I stand alone.

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14 Comments

Filed under Erotica

14 responses to “I stand alone

  1. I am sorry for your many losses. Your grief must feel overwhelming. I have been there. Twice. Gratitude is a mercy to give yourself. It leavens sadness with the truth that despite it all there is always much to be grateful for still. It sounds like you need to find an ally….I found mine in unexpected places. Blessings…

    • Gratitude is something that enriches anyone’s life. I try to keep it in my conscious thought so I can appreciate the blessings I do have. Beautiful children, supportive friends, and the kind and wise words of people like you. Thank you.

      I think there will be an ally or two discovered along the way. But for now, I’m okay with making an alliance within myself. 🙂

  2. My heart aches for you. Perhaps we can tell one another it will get better? I’ll believe you if you’ll believe me 🙂

    • It WILL get better. It already has gotten better. Just being able to sit quietly and be alone with those feelings without falling apart or reaching for a crutch to prop me up is a testament to that fact.

      Felicity, we are both going to be just fine!! 🙂

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  3. babyd21713

    I sorry baby….

  4. I am NOT going to like this post. Today, and the days leading up to it, may feel like nothing but loss (and the death of a marriage is something to be grieved, regardless of the reasons for it). But after the loss will come something new – I don’t know what, new dreams, new people, new family, new loves, new life. I say that because 3 1/2 years ago, I stood alone for the first time in my entire adult life.

    Grieve, cry, shop – whatever you need to do. Then remember, this is also the start of something new, and there’s no telling what the Universe will set down in your path.

    Oh, and you are definitely NOT alone. ((((HUGS))))

    • As always, Kayla, your comments are filled with truth and wisdom. There has been a lot of grieving already done. This last stretch is simply that final passing through to acceptance.

      I look forward to this new chapter in my life. And I know, now that it is all said and done, that I made the right choice and I am a stronger woman for it.

      Thank you for the hugs my sweet. I needed them!! 🙂

  5. Hugs. i was there too. Married at 19. divorced 3 months after my 24th anniversary. made some choices i wish i could change, hurt innocent people while trying to find myself. Battled old demons, faced a few new ones. But i promise you will be ok. Life has a way of putting in front of us what we need to learn. Learn who we are and who we are not. And the sun always rises to give us another chance to do it right, to fix broken things, and to bring into our life people who will truly love us, broken pieces and all. Be strong.

    • I totally agree. The lessons I’ve learned were necessary in order for so many things. Cataclysmic change is sometimes required in order to have dramatic growth. I welcome it, even as I take stock and mourn the losses, I can see the sunlight. 🙂

      Thank you for sharing with me. Merry Christmas!

  6. What doe not kill you only makes you stronger.
    You will survive, endure and come out the other end with confidence, self esteem and the realisation that you are an extremely strong capable individual.
    Namaste
    D

    • Thank you D, I will look forward to that realization. I am most definitely not dead – in fact, in many respects, I have never been more present in my own life or felt more alive.

      Namaste and Happy Christmas my friend!

  7. mrmodigliani

    I just saw this. The people I know who have been through this suffered and mourned at the beginning, then each day became a bit better. About a year later, they were starting to lead the life they really wanted and had new, rewarding relationships. I wish you the very best in our journey.

    • Thank you for your warm thoughts and wishes. I made a decision to take control of my life and be proactive about how I live it. I don’t regret putting that ball in motion. Divorce and change in general can be a bittersweet thing. There are always parts we are sorry to let go, things we miss. But there are moments of quiet victory and satisfaction too.

      Thanks for reading. 🙂

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