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Now, now.

There are times when we all need a break. 

A break from someone, something, someplace.  A time to just sit in the silence, cry the tears, feel that moment when you are truly alone.  It doesn’t have to be depressing or dark.  Though often, it is.  It can be gratifying, rejuvenating.  The dormant period in nature is really just a time for gathering strength for the sudden burst of spring.  But try telling that to the tiny seed freezing its ass off in the soil.  The tiny seed who feels only the dark, cold earth around it and has no sense of what it means to be warmed in the sun.

I took a break from him.  The lone man who has touched both my body and my heart.  I took a break from him.  The other man, who claims my soul in a way no other has ever done.  I took a break from him.  The man who claimed me as his wife.  I took a break from the others.  The ones who filled the quiet with their electronic noise – my favorite little pacifier.  I took a break from the zipless fucks and their lusty texts.  I simply…logged off.

I have a tendency to retreat when I am struggling.  It is a kind of defense mechanism I guess.  I pull in, like a snail being poked by an inquisitive finger.  Deep into my shell I go, until I feel strong enough, centered enough to peek out and face the world again.  Right now, I just want to survive the next twenty-four hours.  If I do that often enough, I stand a chance I’ll make it through the week, the month, the summer, the year.  Somewhere along the way, the soil surrounding me will release its icy grip and wrap me in a warm blanket of sunshine.  And then we will see what kind of flower this seed will grow. 

I can’t think too far into the future.  I can’t anticipate the twists and turns.  I am too exhausted to try.  I am too busy trying to stay alive in the dirt to worry about what is happening above.  Will I go back? I don’t know and at this point, I don’t care to hazard guesses.  The future will take care of itself.  To quote a favorite movie, “We’re at now, now.”

 

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